


when you dream your dream of me

by littlelooneyluna



Category: robron
Genre: M/M, a selection of mini versions of aaron’s life in the future, aaron’s christmas nightmare because yk he deserves one, angst like Angst, major character death: (but it’s only a dream), this is set after the xmas eve episode 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 03:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17256752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: aaron’s christmas nightmare 2017





	when you dream your dream of me

**Author's Note:**

> this has been long awaited lol, happy new year to you all, and also happy reading!

“ _Come_ _on,_ _it’s_ _you_ _and_ _me_. _It_ _always_ _has_ _been_. _It_ _always_ _will_ _be_. _He’s_ _nothing_.”

 

 

Aaron’s eyes fall shut against it, tears have already fallen down his face and on his hoodie. Robert’s present.

There’s an aching in his chest because of it, heavy and hurt and bruised because of Robert Sugden. Only this time he hasn’t done anything wrong has he?

Robert’s just broken hearted in a different way than Aaron is. 

He’s alone, drunk, trying to forget all his misery and Aaron’s let him go. He’s let him go. 

He has to make peace with that.

 

~*~

 

Aaron rolls over on his side and feels no heavy weight against him and something aches in his chest. He remembers last Christmas at the pub, he remembers Robert’s warm body, soft hands against his skin.

The thought shakes him as he gets up out of bed and looks towards the bathroom. He can hear Alex’s voice and it stuns him a little because he remembers telling him to go home last night.

And then he’d put —

He looks down at himself and sees that he’s wearing a pair of pyjamas, not just a random pair of joggers and a top like usually but proper grown up ones with buttons and everything. He shakes his head at himself and can’t help the frown forming on his face and then Alex comes out of the bathroom.

He’s got a towel hugging at his waist and a small frown on his face. “Ah I was going to surprise you, give you a nice wake up.” 

Aaron’s eyes widen, and he’s not sure he’s heard correctly but then Alex gives him this look and his face flares up because he doesn’t get it. Him and Alex haven’t even slept in the same bed together let alone done _that_. And there’s been a reason, they’ve not had sex because he’s not ready. His heart isn’t ready. 

“Oh I —“

Alex has a hand against Aaron’s waist and smiles. “I’m not working until later you know, Liv’s at your mum’s so —“

“My mum. Yeah I — I should go and see her actually.” He says, because he needs to escape the way Alex is looking at him.

He starts running about looking for the hoodie Robert gave him but Alex just looks so confused, hair dripping all over the carpet, something Robert used to hate Aaron doing. It strikes at his heart and then he rubs his head. 

“Hey are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m just lookin’ for my hoodie, the Santa one I was wearing last night. Do you know —“

Alex looks stunned, like Aaron’s just said he’s looking for the meaning of life. “Are you on about the one that _Robert_ gave ya?” The way he says it makes Aaron’s heart beat out of his chest, he looks disgusted even saying his name and it doesn’t make any sense. Aaron nods his head slowly and Alex crosses his arms. “The one we burned about four years ago?”

Four years ago.

Aaron’s eyes proper widen and then he’s looking around the room. There’s a picture of him and Alex by his bedside, Christmas hats on and some random dog in the middle of them. It doesn’t make any sense. 

None of this makes any sense at all.

“Four — four years?” Aaron whispers, eyes flickering as Alex comes closer and looks all concerned. He touches his forehead and asks if he’s feeling alright and Aaron doesn’t feel ill, everything around him is just confusing and Alex shouldn’t be here. 

So he decides to bolt down the stairs instead.

He’s grabbing his coat and running right to the pub where he sees his mum and Faith icing Christmas cakes and getting on just fine. They both look exactly the same but his mum somehow seems more mellow than she ever has before.

That is until she looks up and sees Aaron standing there in his pyjamas and a massive black coat.

“Love, are you alright there?”

“Alex’s is at mine.” Aaron says, closes his eyes and sees golfing clubs in the corner of the room, some scarf hanging over the wardrobe that isn’t his. “All his stuff is there and he isn’t making any sense.”

Faith looks up and smiles. “Oh no, he’s started early.” She says, miming out Aaron knocking back a shot.

“I haven’t.” Aaron says, looks right at his mum. “I don’t understand what’s —“

“Well he does live there doesn’t he?” Chas doesn’t seem like her usual self, she isn’t panicking over him, fussing and kissing his head. She’s just calm as if she doesn’t need to be like that with him anymore, as if he’s _older_. 

“He doesn’t _live_ there, we’ve only started going out!” And he’s frustrated by the way Faith seems to laugh at him and think that this is some sexy role play of theirs. It really bloody isn’t. He decides to ask them a question that they’ll be sure to answer. “Look have you seen Robert around after yesterday, I’m worried about him.”

He fell asleep _worried_ about him.

That’s what suddenly makes his mum turn into her usual self. She looks up sharply and sighs. “You can’t help him love.”

“What — what does that mean?” He says, eyes flickering and this weird feeling brewing in his stomach. “Is he okay?”

“When he’s got a bottle in his hand he is.” Faith says, dropping her knife and looking at her grandson. “And we’ve already told you, he’s beyond your help. He isn’t your problem anymore.”

Aaron scowls at them as he backs towards the door. “He isn’t a _problem_.”

“I beg to differ.” Chas says, “He’s just some old drunk now and you’re engaged to a _doctor_ love, you don’t need to pity him anymore okay?”

Pity.

Engaged.

Old drunk.

 

~*~

 

He opens his eyes again and this time Alex is already sat on the bed, nearly touching his lips but he manages to wake up just in time.

He’s got his stupid bloody hair wetting the bed sheets and Aaron thinks of Robert as he jumps out of the bed. This time he’s wearing a dressing gown and Alex is laying out on the bed like some sex addict.

“You in charge again?”

Aaron literally doesn’t know what to do with his face so he decides to back towards the door and make some excuse about seeing Adam.

“The same Adam who’s on the run?”

The _run_.

It makes Aaron’s eyes widen again and there’s a slap to his back as he tries to soak it all in and then this dog comes running into the room. 

Alex pets it, calls it Max and Aaron for the first time in his life is petrified of dogs. 

“Hello Maxy, your dad’s been very jumpy.” Alex says, strokes over the dog’s back and laughs. It just makes Aaron’s eyes widen once again.

“I’ll walk him.” Aaron decides, it’s a way to get out of the house, to go and find Robert. He’s trying to find _Robert_ and see if he’s okay because his heart is telling him that he isn’t.

“On Christmas morning? I can come if you —“

“No! You stay here and keep the bed warm.” He decides to say, and that gets Alex smiling. It settles something in Aaron’s chest before he picks the dog up and trips over Alex’s shoes near the door.

He gets down the stairs and it doesn’t look the way it used to. All the effort Robert put in to decorate the place is gone because instead of greys and blues, there’s creams and browns and this massive corner sofa like they’ve got a ruby team for a family.

There’s another picture of Aaron and Alex on the mantle piece and Aaron doesn’t look like himself. He’s proper smiling, eyes gleaming and staring up at _Alex_ like he’s madly in love with him and not —

Nothing makes sense again. 

 

~*~

 

He finds Robert because he’s still singing the Christmas songs like he was the night before, only he doesn’t look the same. He looks —

It makes Aaron cry.

He’s sat against the cricket pavilion with a bottle of whiskey to his chest and a threadbare coat he’s holding on to. His hair has grown out and he’s shuddering against the bitter air as Aaron comes towards him and kneels.

The dog’s running around the grass and Aaron doesn’t give it a second look as he stares up at Robert.

“Hey, hey it’s me — oh Rob, I’ve been looking for ya for so —“

Aaron’s hand falls against Robert’s knee and Robert shoves it away, nearly knocks Aaron off balance before he downs the whiskey in his hand and winces. 

“Looking for _me_? Yeah right.”

“I have been. Everything’s been so crazy.”

Robert frowns, and Aaron sees into his eyes. They look so cold and broken, they look even sadder than they did last night. “You’ve been avoiding me for four years Aaron.”

“No.” Aaron shakes his head. “I couldn’t —“

“I thought I was the mad drunk.” Robert says, this sad smile on his face as he leans closer to Aaron. “Stop lying.”

Aaron gulps hard. “Well I — I don’t remember —“

Robert squints up at him and Aaron just wants him to say something, anything that will make the slightest bit of sense. “We _slept_ together and you hated yourself so you ran away from me and you’ve — you’ve avoided me ever ever since.” Robert sounds so certain, only it can’t be. He knows that he could never let Robert get to this state and not at least try to help him.

“I wouldn’t have let you —“

“Drink myself — into — into uh oblivion!” He says, like he’s proud of himself and Aaron shakes his head again.

“I wouldn’t.”

“You did.” Robert slurs. “I don’t blame ya, you and — Alex are — _great_.”

“We’re not anything.” Aaron whispers, and Robert just scoffs. “Please let me help ya, I can get Vic and —“

“Vic’s _gone_!” Robert shouts. “She left me just like you left me and now I’m this. I’m broken.”

“You’re not.” Aaron says, and he winces as he smells the alcohol on Robert’s breath hit him. “Come home with me, I’ll sober you up.”

“I’m broken.” Robert slurs and then he looks up at Aaron with tears in his eyes. “Just forget you’ve seen me like you always do.”

He reaches a hand out towards Robert, grips on and the older man shudders at the touch.

“Merry Christmas Aaron.”

And then this wind picks up and Aaron feels himself suddenly being pulled away from him.

He screams out Robert’s name and then finds himself back in his bed again.

 

~*~

 

He wakes up to the sound of horses outside.

The room is dark, a somber colour and as he walks towards the bathroom he sees that he’s wearing a black suit. 

His heart thuds in his chest as he goes down the stairs, he’s sensing something awful as he reaches the bottom one and sees Liv sitting on the sofa, Victoria crying into a tissue.

“What’s going —“

Vic rises to her feet, wipes at her eyes. “It’s so good of you for coming.” She says, sniffs a little and then looks at Liv who’s just scrolling through her phone.

“Coming where?”

Vic gulps hard and Aaron finds himself looking towards the window, the horses are getting louder as he parts the curtains. The _curtains_? And then he sees the worst thing ever has.

Robert’s name written in flowers over a coffin.

“ _No_.” Aaron says, and he starts banging at the window over and over and over again. “No please — oh God I need to wake up.” He screams, runs a hand through his hair and then watches Liv look at him.

“Aaron. It’s fine. It’s only Robert, not Alex.”

Only Robert.

 _Only_ Robert.

“This isn’t real.” He says, turns towards her and scowls as he speaks. “That’s Robert Liv! _Robert_.” Her face doesn’t move. “He’s like a brother to you.”

“Maybe once. But then he cheated on you and you married Alex, so he’s like my brother now — not _Robert_.”

She’s so cold.

He feels so sick.

And then he looks down at the ring on his finger. It’s not the one Robert gave him, this one is skinnier, this one is too tight. 

“It wasn’t a shock.” Vic says, “When they discovered his — his body in one of the barns. 

Their barn.

Their _barn_.

“What happened?”

“He was out cold, whiskey bottle in his pocket. God Aaron don’t make me have to tell you again.” Vic starts crying openly again like a child and she shakes her head. “I should have stayed here with him.”

He hears it over and over again and the next minute he knows, he’s by the grave and he can only see Victoria standing next to him with a long looking teenager.

A mop of blonde hair and freckles over his face and —

“Seb?” Aaron says, crouches down and looks at the boy who’s standing there crying.

“Who are you?” Seb says, “Did you know my dad?”

Aaron nods slowly. He loved him. He loves him. This just has to be a dream doesn’t it? Seb’s still a little baby, Robert’s still alive.

He is.

He has to be.

“You probably saw him more than I ever did.” He says, he sounds just like Robert as he keeps his head down. “He was the worst dad in the world.”

“No. No, he’s amazing. He loves ya so much.” He thinks of the presents, the way Robert was heartbroken that he couldn’t give them to his own son for Christmas. It makes him cry. “I promise you.”

“Well then why did he turn into some old drunk then?”

Because of me.

The thought rushes through his body and then Seb disappears and Aaron finds himself standing over —

His own body?

He sees himself laying out on the ground, same black suit on, eyes closed shut and Robert’s nowhere to be seen.

He stares around to see where Victoria has gone but he can’t find her. Instead he sees Jackson leaning against Katie’s headstone shaking his head.

“What the fuck —“ Aaron jumps up, backs away until he’s thumping into a tree and Jackson’s sighing at him.

“Yeah I’m still dead idiot. But so are you so — welcome.” Jackson looks disappointed and Aaron’s eyes widen.

“No, Robert — they said Robert had died.”

“Exactly.” Jackson shrugs. 

“But that doesn’t make any sense.”

“I think you know it does.” Jackson grabs Aaron’s hand and somehow they’re inside the coffin, it’s smaller than it was before and Aaron gets to look over his lifeless body. “Robert dies. Because you end up killing him. And _that_ ends up killing you.”

It makes Aaron feel sick as Jackson looks at him. “I killed him?”

“And he killed you.”

“No. No — I love him, I wouldn’t —“

“He loved ya too much.” Jackson winces. “Where did he end up dying? In your little love barn. God, why weren’t we creative like that when I was still around?” Aaron stares down at himself, ignoring Jackson. “Hmm, you were probably too young. I was your first after all.”

“And he was my last?”

Jackson frowns and then rolls his eyes dramatically. “You’re not getting this are you?” He leans against the coffin like it’s nothing and then gulps. “If you don’t let go of your love for him, he’ll end up dead and so will you.”

“That can’t be possible.” Aaron shakes his head, because they’re toxic sometimes but they’re also so tender and gentle with each other and it doesn’t make any sense. 

“Metaphorically you dunce.” Jackson says and Aaron sobers. “You’ll get married to Alex or some other poor bastard, you’ll have a dog and a few kids and you’ll watch Robert from afar and keep loving him and you’ll never be free.”

“Maybe I don’t want to be.” Aaron rubs a tear away from his face roughly. “Maybe I just want to love him forever.” Jackson sighs. “You don’t get to judge me. You left. Robert wouldn’t ever leave me like that!”

It stings through the air and Jackson arches an eyebrow. “You’re right.” He says. “And yet it’ll break the both of you.” 

Aaron goes to speak again and then Jackson disappears and the ground swallows him whole.

 

~*~

 

He doesn’t wake up in the Mill the next time, instead he’s in some cheap looking hotel and some bloke is coming out of the bathroom with a sly grin on his face.

Aaron looks down at himself and sees that he’s naked and this man is still staring at him when he jumps out of the bed and starts searching for his clothes.

“Oh. You have a fella after all then?” He says, arms crossed and his toned muscles nowhere near enough to make Aaron stop thinking about Robert.

He died.

He’s dead. 

He needs to see his grave to be certain.

He needs to see if he’s still alive.

“Mate are you alright?”

Aaron looks down at this battered old jacket that he’s holding in his arms, he doesn’t remember ever buying.

“What year is it?”

The man rubs a hand across his hair and smiles. “2029 last time I bothered to check.” He says, it makes Aaron’s face falls and then the man is asking if he wants to do this again sometime and Aaron doesn’t know what to think so he just shakes his head and bolts out the door.

He only hears the bloke wishing him a merry Christmas as he leaves.

 

~*~

 

He’s transported back into the Mill when he next opens his eyes, only this time he’s just coming through the door from that seedy hotel and Alex and Liv both smile up at him happily.

“Did you have fun meeting your old mate?” Alex has a wedding ring on his finger, Aaron suddenly feels his own. He wants to take it off but then Liv frowns at him.

“You look awful.”

“I — I don’t —“ He’s lost for words when he hears his phone beep and sees that some man called Deon is wondering if he can get away for a few hours tomorrow. It dawns on him in this almost sickening way that he’s a cheat, he’s cheating on Alex but staying with him and he doesn’t get _why_. 

“Let me show you why.” Jackson’s there again, he’s got this checked shirt on and he hasn’t aged a day but Aaron guesses that’s what happens when you die.

He walks with Jackson towards the pub and watches the sky turn black as they go.

Within seconds, he’s through the doors with Alex by his side and Liv glued to her phone and he sees Robert walk in with some bloke.

He instantly smiles. “He isn’t dead.”

“Not in this version.” Jackson sips at his pint and then tilts his head as Aaron continues smiling. He watches Robert be the Robert he knows, young, beautiful, stupid leather jacket of his that’s practically glued to his frame. “Alright enough ogling.”

Jackson snaps his fingers and Aaron’s feet fly towards Robert.

“Hi.” Aaron blurts out and Robert looks at him nervously, hands resting against the wooden panel of the bar and tensing a little. “I’ve been looking for you. I’m so glad you’re okay.”

Robert looks embarrassed more than anything, decides to look towards the bloke he’s with and gulp hard. He looks back towards Aaron after a couple of seconds. “Why wouldn’t I be?” He asks, his voice is soft but still filled with nerves and Aaron wants to wrap his arms around him.

Only this man steps forward and laughs.

“Don’t worry, I’ve been keeping him out of trouble.”

Aaron feels this anger coursing through his veins as the man puts his hand on Robert’s arm, places it there and squeezes. It makes his eyes widen and he shakes his head.

“Is he your —“

“Mike.” Robert frowns. “You know Mike.”

Aaron winces, head blurry. “He your boyfriend or something?”

He hopes for the ‘or something’ but instead Robert just steps forward and nods his head.

“You look a little pale.” Robert whispers, tilts his head up and calls out for Alex and Aaron wants him to shut his mouth. 

“Robert it’s me. It’s Aaron.” Aaron steps forward, “You hate Alex. Remember you said you wanted me to forget him, that we should —“

Only Robert cuts him off, eyes dark suddenly as he looks towards Mike and shakes his head. “I promise that was before you ever came along. He’s just pissed.”

“I’m _not_!” Aaron finds himself exploding, and Liv looks up, looks ashamed, so he runs right out the pub and tries to wish it all away.The sound of feet suddenly make him look up a few seconds later nd Robert’s standing there looking like he wants to throttle Aaron. 

“What’s your problem?” Robert says, hands in his pockets as he comes towards Aaron. “You and Alex not so good anymore so you try and ruin me and Mike?”

Aaron frowns, confused as he hears Robert speak so angrily at him. “No. No, I just needed to see ya.”

Robert looks so hurt suddenly and backs away from Aaron. “I told you the last time Aaron. I’m not being your bit on the side. We’re done. We were done _so_ many years ago.”

Aaron shudders. “So we’ve — I’ve cheated on Alex with you?”

Robert scoffs. “No. Don’t do this.”

“What?”

“Make out like I was the only one!”

And the thing is, Aaron never had himself down as a cheater. Not ever. Not after what Robert put him through.

“You wouldn’t leave him.” Robert has his head down as he speaks, chews his lip. “You _said_ you wouldn’t leave him so I met someone else and I — I couldn’t keep going back to you.”

Back to you.

Aaron closes his eyes and he’s reaching for Robert’s tie, slamming him against the wall, they’re having sex and he’s calling it one last time. 

It’s not.

It keeps happening.

“I can’t stay away from ya.” Aaron’s over Robert’s chest, he’s pressing himself down on the older man and heaving as Robert touches him. “Not when we’re like this, it’s — it’s impossible.”

And then Robert’s moving on and kissing someone else, buying a house with him and moving out the village.

It’s dark when they get into the car, Robert’s got a few boxes in his hands and Aaron’s telling himself not to look out the window but he is. And then he’s going out the door, marching right outside Vic’s as Mike sits in the car with a smile on his face.

“Aaron?”

Aaron chews at his lip, “So you’re really doing this.” He’s saying, and tears are already in his eyes, they’ve had the conversation so many times but it’s just been an idea up until now hasn’t it? “You don’t have to.”

He’ll stay away from him. He promises himself. He’ll control himself.

“You know why I can’t.” Robert shudders, the air around them is frozen and he’s looking right at Aaron’s ring. He’s looking right at it and then looking away.

“But Mike’s —“

“Funny and kind and he puts up with me when no one should have to.” Robert’s eyes cloud over just like Aaron’s, he holds the boxes closer towards him and Aaron feels his heart break. 

“That’s not true.”

“Aaron ...”

“You’ve not even known him long.” Aaron latches onto anything he can find. “And now you’re moving away with him?”

“Because I can’t be around you.” Robert blurts out, angrier suddenly. “Me and you ... it’s way too intense. We can’t even try and be friends —“

“We can.” Aaron steps forward and Robert steps back.

“I don’t want to try.” Robert says and Aaron’s heart shatters.

“You don’t — want me?”

Robert’s face contorts, he looks devastated. “Not when I can’t have all of you, no.” He looks at the ring again and Aaron tries to hide it from his view. He can’t. “I’ll see you Aaron.” He says, a pained look on his face.

Aaron’s sobbing into his hands as he watches him drive away.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron’s eyes water now as he looks at Robert standing in front of him and the memories fade, “I didn’t mean to keep hurting you.” He whispers.

Robert’s eyes flicker. “It’s forgotten now. It was so long ago. I thought we were so over this?”

“How?” Aaron’s angry at his future self so much that he wants to cry right there on the spot. His voice cracks as he speaks. “We can’t ever get over each other.”

“Says the married man.” Robert hisses and then he starts to turn away and Aaron can’t handle it.

“Leave him.” He says, desperate as he speaks and Robert freezes before he starts backing away from him.

“How pissed are you?”

“— you know it’s you and me. It always has been, always will be.” Robert’s face falls against it and there are tears falling down his face, crashing over his cheeks. He looks broken. “Mike — he’s _nothing_.” He’s suddenly Robert yesterday, it’s his turn to plead with him isn’t it? Aaron has a hand on Robert’s face now. “Robert, Rob it’s _me_.”

He closes his eyes to lean forward and Robert is suddenly out of his grip. He’s moving away from him, shaking his head.

“You need to stay away from me.” Robert says. “I shouldn’t come back, I shouldn’t come to the village anymore if you’re going to be talking like this.”

“I forgave ya for Rebecca.” Aaron doesn’t even know how to breathe anymore, he just shudders as Robert stares. “I forgave ya didn’t I? So why are we doing this?”

Robert goes to speak and then Mike’s standing by the pub door, arms folded as he comes forward and holds a hand on Robert’s back. He calls him _babe_ , he says they should go and see how someone called _Catherine_ is handling Seb’s.

Aaron breathes in. “Seb. Is he — is he okay?”

And somehow that gets Mike charging forward and pushing Aaron back into the hedges.

“Mike don’t —“

Mike shakes his head. “You’ve got some nerve you.” He spits and Aaron can only imagine what he’s said about the little boy in the past that _Mike_ knows about. He looks up and sees Robert rubbing at his eyes like he’s trying not to cry.

“Robert I’m sorry.” Aaron says, “I’m sorry.” He says again, but Robert’s already walking to the car park with Mike rubbing a hand up and down Robert’s back. “Why are we doing this?” He whispers to himself, head aching now.

“You’re doing this because of you Aaron.” Jackson’s back, he’s sitting on one of the pub benches, pint now drained as he winces. “Because of you.”

Aaron’s eyes fill with tears. “What does that mean?” He chokes out, hands shaking a little as he speaks. 

“You won’t leave Alex.” Jackson says. “In this version. You marry him ‘cause you think it’s easier than risking your heart getting broken again by Robert.” Aaron’s eyes flicker as he comes towards the bench and sits slowly down next to Jackson.

“But didn’t Rob try and —?”

“A million times and more. But in the end he came. With Mike.” Jackson crinkles his nose. “You’ve tried to be mates, done all that stuff but it’s —“

“Not worked.”

“How could it when you’re still in love with him?” Jackson sighs and Aaron turns away from him, frown on his face and this feeling in his chest suddenly.

“But Alex, he can’t— he isn’t _enough_. He can’t be.” Aaron looks down, ring on his finger that mocks him. 

Jackson leans towards Aaron a little and gulps. “That’s why you have meaningless sex with all those blokes.”

“That’s not me.” Aaron cringes, his whole body buckles under the weight of it as the cold air hits his face. “It’s not me.”

“It is when Robert isn’t offering himself. When you want to fill that hole he’s created.”

Aaron winces around the words and then looks at him again. “And — Seb?”

Jackson looks down, gulps hard. “You baby sat him a couple of times, when you and Robert were trying to be mates but ...”

Aaron’s face is wet as he frowns. “But what?” He shouts and suddenly Seb and him are playing on a sofa, Aaron’s smile is blinding and he rolls over, yanks Seb by his hips and the little boy giggles.

He giggles and giggles and Aaron feels this feeling crash through him.

He suddenly lets him go, leaves him in the room for a second as he tries to catch his breath in the bathroom.

And then there’s a knock on the door and Robert’s running in to see his little boy all on his own. 

“Aaron?” Robert shouts and Aaron watches himself come out of the bathroom, frown on his face. “Did you leave him —“

“For just a second. I needed to piss. Calm down.” He’s jumpy, he’s so scared, Aaron can see himself. He’s watching himself and he knows what he’s feeling. 

“Calm down? You’re supposed to be —“

“Yeah. Baby sitting. I’m not his _dad_.” He looks disgusted as he crosses his arms and Robert just looks hurt as he holds the little boy to his chest.

“No. I know that.” Robert says. “Alex’s knows that too if that’s —“

“This isn’t about Alex. It’s about — I’m not his dad Robert so I think you should stop dumping him on me okay?”

“Dumping?” His eyes turn red, Aaron wants to tell himself to stop, reach into the memory and tear it apart but instead he watches himself nod. 

“Yeah.” He says heavily and Robert runs out the door with the little boy.

He opens his eyes again and they’re back on the bench, Jackson has a hand stretched over Aaron’s.

“Did I — I realised that I —“

“You love him.” Jackson says. “You’d grown to love him and you were terrified so you pushed him away. Robert’s never blamed you for it but —“

“Seb must hate me.” Aaron cowers and suddenly that matters, a lot.

Jackson gulps. “He still waves a ya when he sees you, sometimes you wave back.”

“ _Sometimes_?”

“He’s old enough to know that it’s complicated.” Jackson says, like he’s trying to make it sound okay. It’s not okay. It makes Aaron’s eyes fill with tears again.

“I wouldn’t — I couldn’t do that —“

“This is what you become.”

“This is a nightmare. It’s not real.” Aaron shouts suddenly, because he’s sick of the way it’s filling his heart and making him feel like he’s going to drown. 

“Yeah you’re right.” Jackson shrugs. “But it’s a version of the truth isn’t it? This could be your life. Or Robert could be dead. Or —“

 

~*~

 

Aaron rolls over in bed and the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes is Robert laying next to him. It makes his heart flutter in this unimaginable way and he can’t help but stretch his hand out and touch him to see if he’s real.

Robert’s eyes flicker open before he can properly soak in the view.

“Morning.” Robert yawns out, his bare shoulders ice cold as they bump against Aaron’s and he smiles at him.

Aaron doesn’t know what to say, he’s sort of just in awe of having him right next to him now and it makes something break in his chest as he holds his face.

“You okay?” Robert says, eyes soft and gentle and Aaron strokes at Robert’s cheek. “I know it’s Christmas but you don’t usually —“

“It’s Christmas?”

Robert grins. “You still sleepy?” He asks, “Because I don’t think Santa’s elf will let us sleep for much longer.” He says and Aaron frowns at him, unsure of what he means until the door flys open and a little blonde boy bounces onto the bed.

Aaron can’t do anything but stare at him, eyes falling against the boy who keeps bouncing up and down and yelling about it being Christmas Day. He sits up on the bed just like Robert does and he has a hand hovering near the boy who jumps onto him and looks up.

“Daddy it’s Christmas.” He looks about five, it’s probably the kid’s first proper Christmas that’ll mean something to him. He’s got these big green eyes, freckles scattered across his face and —

“Seb I think daddy knows that now don’t you?” Robert lets out this hearty laugh and it’s like it comes straight from his gut or something. He looks so happy that it makes tears form in Aaron’s eyes.

And he’s calling the boy Seb. That little bundle that makes Aaron feel so anxious and nervous and scared. He’s — the little boy is Seb.

“Do you?” Seb shouts, giggles a little as he touches Aaron’s beard and Aaron can’t help but hold onto the little boy’s arm, squeeze gently. 

“Yeah I do mate.” Aaron stammers out and Seb pulls his beard. “Ouch.” He says before he moves a hand gently through Seb’s blonde mop and gazes at him. “God you look just like your dad.”

Seb giggles at that and then puts his hand in his mouth. Robert reaches over for him and tells him to stop that, managing to hook the little boy on his waist and walk towards the door. 

“I’m going to start on the Turkey and stuff.” Robert lets out a yawn and then looks back at Aaron. “You coming down?” He asks and Aaron stays frozen in bed. “Someone needs to keep him occupied.”

The next thing Aaron knows, he’s got Seb sitting on his lap and Robert’s in the kitchen washing plates from dinner.

He’s alone with the little boy because Liv’s taking photos of the snow outside for a uni project or something and he’s left holding the baby basically. Well not a baby; not just any baby but Seb. 

Seb’s drawing, breathing soft and slow and little hands gliding down on the paper and he seems so content with Aaron. It seems like it’s so natural. It has to be doesn’t it? The little boy calls him _daddy_. Aaron leans close to him. “You’re a special boy aren’t ya?” He says, hands shaking slightly. “So — so beautiful. Just like your daddy.”

And Seb’s not even listening to him at this point but it doesn’t really matter because this is for Aaron to realise. His eyes are shiny as he looks around the Mill and sees a card from Chas and Paddy wishing them a merry Christmas, it’s alongside one from Vic and someone called Ellis and Rosie.

The tinsel is draped across the table and there’s used crackers and paper snowflakes everywhere and Aaron can’t help but feel something rattle around in his heart as Seb turns to look at him.

“Did you not get what you wished for?” Seb looks worried, looks a little like Robert and it touches something in Aaron’s chest, grabs at it firmly.

He’s really going to love him.

“You’ve got shiny eyes?” Seb points up and Aaron holds his hand.

“I did buddy. I got everything I ever wanted I think.” He says, and they stay like that until Seb’s shuffling off his lap and running towards the living room. Aaron stands, wipes at his eyes before going into the kitchen and seeing Robert smile at him from the sink. He watches Robert dry his hands and then turn towards him. Aaron suddenly can’t hold in what he’s feeling for a second more. 

“Where’s Rebecca?”

Robert frowns at him. “In Liverpool. With Ross.” He says and Aaron’s shoulders relax, almost melt and there’s relief flowing through him. 

“They’re in Liverpool?”

Robert nods, holds the tea towel in one hand. “Well, I think so. You know they’re leaving for America later on today.” 

“For — forever?”

Robert scoffs. “Aaron for Christmas, she wouldn’t leave Seb like that. Not after everything.”

Aaron doesn’t know what to do, how to feel or what to say but it’s becoming the norm now. 

“But we have Seb.” Aaron sounds protective, he can hear it in his voice and it’s strange. “Don’t we?”

Robert comes forward, has a hand across Aaron’s waist. “Until the new year yeah, and then it’ll be back to normal, every Friday night to Sunday night.” 

They have routines.

He doesn’t hate Rebecca.

She’s gone and Seb’s here and he doesn’t want the ground to swallow him up.

“We might have to think things through a little more once the baby’s born though.” Robert looks deep in thought and Aaron stares at him, admires the deep blue Christmas jumper he has on and the jeans he’s wearing and then smiles.

“Will this be their first one?” Aaron asks, and Robert just looks confused. “Rebecca and Ross.”

Robert comes closer towards him and waves a hand across his face. “I think you’ve had too much egg nog or something.” He says, smiling as he speaks and then he blinks. “Go look on the fridge and remind yourself.”

Only when he does, when he finally does, he sees a scan photo of a baby with little legs and little arms and —

“We’re having a baby?” Aaron’s eyes flicker, he feels frozen on the spot.

‘ _I_ _wanted_ _us_ _to_ _have_ _kids_.’

“Last time I checked. Yep. A baby.” Robert says, a hand falling against Aaron’s waist, his head against Aaron’s neck, he breathes in around Aaron and then smiles. “Sophie’s really getting big now, we’ve got to start sorting out that spare room.”

He leans away and looks at Aaron.

“Are you okay?” Robert sounds uneasy. “You’re — tell me you’re happy?”

And Aaron doesn’t think he’s ever been happier. Aaron has a hand against Robert’s cheek, and he sees his ring for the first time. He remembers it. It’s shiny and thick and his.

“Rob.” Aaron’s got tears in his eyes, they’re going to soak his jumper, he knows it. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my life.” He promises and the feeling takes over, it makes Aaron reach out and hold onto Robert’s face and kiss him. He’s on his tip toes, he’s holding on and not even trying to let go. He doesn’t want to.

“Good. Mr Sugden Dingle, I’m very glad to hear that.” He says, smirking, a little more sexy than Aaron’s prepared to deal with.

“Sugden Dingle?”

It makes his heart skip a beat.

“ _Yes_.” Robert says. “I don’t care what you say about always being a Dingle. It’s Sugden first.” He grabs at Aaron’s waist. “You’re mine before you’re theirs.”

Aaron’s blushing under the weight of it and then he’s laughing as Robert starts chasing him around the kitchen when Aaron dips away from a kiss. 

“We have to go.” Jackson’s voice cuts in and it takes a second to realise that Robert has frozen against the counter. He moves back and sees Jackson holding Seb up and then placing him down again.

Aaron shakes his head vigorously. “No.” He says. “I want to stay here. I just want this. I don’t want anything else.” He looks towards the living room and sees a picture of him and Robert that he doesn’t recognise.

It’s their wedding day. Another one?

“I just want this.”

‘I’ve always wanted this.’

“Aaron we _have_ to go.” Jackson says more seriously this time and Aaron looks towards him, doesn’t meet his eye. “It’s Robert. In your version of reality he’s been hit by Lawrence’s car and he’s just told Alex to not give up on you because of how you reacted.”

He says it so bluntly and Aaron’s got tears streaming right down his face. “ _What_?”

Jackson gulps. “Predictably you didn’t want Robert to die. You made it pretty clear you still love him.”

“I did?”

“But Robert thinks it’s best if you forget about him. Move on. With Alex.”

He sees himself married to Alex.

He sees that flaming dog.

He sees a whole life that he doesn’t want to be part of at all. 

“I don’t want that.” Aaron rubs at his face roughly and Jackson just smiles faintly at him.

“You’ve always just wanted him, right?” Jackson says, like he just knows. “He’s felt the same you know, trust me, I’ve been watching him since you first knicked his car. You’re both insane about each other and that’s not always good but —“

“Do we really get this one day?” Aaron whispers, looks around the house with nothing but love in his eyes.

Jackson nods. “You could do. It could happen.”

“Could?”

“That depends Aaron.” Aaron’s chin wobbles as Jackson looks at him. “On how much you’re willing to fight for what you want.”

 

~*~

 

Aaron’s leaning against a hospital chair when his eyes open and he quickly realises that he’s here for Robert. His mother isn’t with him and he’s thankful for that because he knows she’d tell him to turn right back around.

He knows.

He keeps rubbing his eyes, fearful that he’s still dreaming and then sees that the clock says 2017. It makes him breathe a sigh of relief and then Alex appears out of one of the rooms.

“Here to see Robert then?” Alex says, offbeat, filled with nerves and Aaron nods.

“Yeah I am.” Aaron’s mouth twitches nervously, only Alex makes it all easier.

“I saw the way you were. You said you weren’t ready to lose him and I think we both know you never will be. You’re never going to want to lose him are you?” 

Aaron breathes out, tears in his eyes, he can see himself saying that, a wreck as Robert lay there dying. “No.”

Alex looks up towards the ceiling and then smiles. “You go and see him, tell him that.”

“Alex —“

“You know he just chewed my ear off about you being happy, wanting you happy and he doesn’t realise how much _he_ makes _you_ happy does he?” Aaron shakes his head. “So go tell him that.” 

Alex leaves. Alex’s a good egg. He’ll have a husband and a dog one day. Just not with Aaron.

 

~*~

 

Aaron breathes out steadily as he sees Robert in the hospital arm chair, pale and frail and his hair a blond mop against his forehead.

He looks like Seb did when he was a teenager. It’s so weird that he knows that.

“Hey.” Aaron whispers, sniffs a little as Robert stares at him. “I just wanted to — I think we need to talk.”

“About what?” Robert says, cold, almost unfeeling and Aaron’s heart begins to crack against it. He needs to be brave in the face of this. “Look, I know you said a few things when you thought I was going to die but don’t worry, I know you didn’t mean them.

Aaron frowns. “Only I did.” He says, chin wobbling now. “I’m _never_ going to be ready to lose _you_ am I? Not you.” He shakes his head and Robert looks away from him like he did in his dream.

“Aaron, don’t do this.”

“Do what? Tell the truth?” Aaron gulps hard, “I’m done with lying. I just want to be honest.”

“Because I nearly died. Because you pity me.”

“I don’t pity you.”

“You do.”

“I _love_ you.” Aaron stresses, kneels down and feels his hands shake as they fall against Robert’s lap. He’s forcing the older man to listen and he only gets a wide eyed look back. “I know that if I don’t say this, I’ll stay with Alex. It’ll get serious and I’ll miss you every second of every day. I know you’ll move on, find someone who loves ya.” Robert frowns slowly. “I know we’ll _kill_ each other if we don’t just try and love each other without all the hurting. I know all of that. And I want you.”

Robert gulps so hard that Aaron hears it, the colour is coming back into his cheeks now. “You — you’re with —“

“Not anymore.” Aaron says. “I’m yours. How could I be anyone else’s when it’s always going to be you and me.” Robert looks away as he speaks, as if he’s reminded of the night before and it makes Aaron hold his chin. “You were right, what you said — you were right.” 

Robert’s chin wobbles. “I need you to go.” He says suddenly, and this feeling collapses right in Aaron’s chest.

“ _No_. Please no. I can’t — I just need you Rob. Please, you have to realise that —“

Robert’s got tears running down his face. “You deserve better.”

“I deserve you.” Aaron shrugs. “And you deserve me and we’re gong to be _so_ happy. Me, you and Seb and —“

Maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned the one month old just yet. It only makes Robert cower and cry and Aaron can only watch as he curls himself away from him.

“Please just go.” 

And Aaron doesn’t have it in himself to watch him cry anymore.

 

~*~

 

He wears the hoodie to Wishing Well.

He pretends like his heart isn’t breaking as his mum mentions Robert being stuck in hospital with Diane and Doug. He tries to pretend like he doesn’t want to be there.

“I know I need to give him space.” Aaron says into the air, he’s speaking to Jackson as he looks up at the starry sky. “You said ... it depends how much I’m willing to fight for him. Well I am. I am willing. I promise.” He promises right into the sky.

 

~*~

 

A few days pass, those weird awkward days between Christmas and New Year’s and then they somehow they end up in the middle of February and he’s nearly kissing Robert on Valentine’s Day but the older man pulls away.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t be here.”

He looks like a deer in headlights and all that progress they’ve been making over the past couple of months is wasted. Aaron being there for Robert after the Whites dying is gone and the way Seb feels in Aaron’s arms seems to be shattered.

Because Robert got scared.

Again.

And he doesn’t want to listen to how much Aaron loves him because that’s petrifying. Aaron _knows_ it’s petrifying, he’s been there himself but he won’t be hiding from it the way Robert is.

Robert likes hiding, he likes hiding so much that Bernice and Vic mistake his tortured mind with moping after a man who doesn’t love him anymore.

So they take him out.

And Aaron follows.

And his heart completely shatters doesn’t it. Because Robert introduces him to _Mike_.

“Fuck off.” Aaron says, eyes wide as Robert stands there staring at him. Aaron looks right at Mike and shakes his head. “He’s taken. He’s with me, you got that?”

“Aaron —“

“No. No _fuck_ this.” Aaron yanks at Robert’s hand and pulls him down an alley, away from the loud music of the club. “I’ve tried waiting for you to believe me. I’ve tried being there for you and making you feel secure and loved and happy and then you show me some man you want to take hone with you? Are you crazy?”

He wants to thump him and kiss him at the same time and Robert shakes his head.

“He was some — some bloke. I was only speaking to him.”

“Yeah that’s how it starts!”

“How what starts?”

But there’s really no point in explaining is there. Aaron sighs hard and comes closer towards Robert.

“Can you just believe me, please.”

“What if I already do?” Robert has a leather jacket on, he’s got a shirt tucked in of course and he looks better than he has done ever since the crash.

Aaron’s eyes widen. “Then we stop messing around and —“

“And what? Go back to hurting each other. I can’t do that. I won’t.” Robert holds Aaron’s face and it makes the younger man melt inside. “You’ll leave me Aaron.”

“No. Not ever. I promise —“

“You’re all better now. You don’t need me around. I need you so much more than you’ll ever need me.” Robert winces around his words and Aaron has tears in his eyes. “Please go and find someone else, wake up and realise I’m just not good enough.” 

“It didn’t work.” Aaron says an hour later, he’s by Jackson’s grave watching the sky turn blacker around him and he hugs his coat. He thinks of his mum, he thinks of how irritated she is about him confessing his feelings to Robert again. 

Because he’d come in crying his eyes out and he’d told her he wanted Robert back and apparently that makes him insane.

He likes it that way then. 

Or actually he doesn’t. Actually he hates the way he feels when Robert is doing all he can to ignore his whole existence.

“I thought he’d listen but — there’s too much water under the bridge I think.” Aaron says, voice small as he speaks. “Maybe it was just a dream, maybe we don’t get to be happy.” 

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

The sound of feet against the ground make him jump up in his slightly tipsy state and he doesn’t know what to do with himself as he sees Robert standing there with a scarf wrapped around him.

“I thought it was easier pretending you hadn’t said what you did, that way I wouldn’t feel guilty about the way you feel.”

“You don’t have to feel guilty.” Aaron winces, eyes flickering as he speaks.

Robert holds his head up. “It’s not easier. It’s worse. Because I don’t want you unhappy but that’s all I seem to do, either way.” He shrugs a little. “But I’ve always been selfish, so I’m always going to want you aren’t I? Even if that means making you unhappy.”

“You’re not making me unhappy.” Aaron scowls, “Frustrated yeah but — I just want you to see that I love you.”

“I do see it. Everyday. And I hate myself for it.”

“ _Why_?”

“Because I hurt you. I slept with Rebecca and I destroyed us.”

Somehow it doesn’t hurt as he speaks about what happened anymore. It’s just something that happened and that’s life and he still gets to be happy. 

“I made mistakes too.”

“Not like mine.” Robert winces. “You say you want me, love me, but — but there’s Seb. There’s my child who you can’t help but see as a reminder of —“

“He’s your little boy Rob.” Aaron whispers, comes closer to Robert. “And I’m going to love him so much I promise ya.” Robert looks away. “I know I shouldn’t say that but it’s true. You’re just going to have to trust me.”

“And I do.” Robert says, “But you don’t —“

“I do.” Aaron nods, and a hand finds itself against Robert’s chest. “And Rebecca?” He pulls a face. “All that — pain, it passes. It’s going to pass and we’re going to be so happy I promise. I know you’re scared.”

Robert has tears rolling down his face against the cold.

“I just don’t want to let you down.”

Aaron holds his face and his heart breaks a little. “We’re going to love each other the right way aren’t we? We’re not letting each other down ever again, not like that.” He crinkles his nose. “Not ever like that again okay? Trust me.”

“I trust ya.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

Aaron nods against the man and then lunges forward, he kisses him, opened mouth and desperate, full of absolute need and desire and want.

Months of agony and misery and pain melts away as Aaron pulls away and Robert pulls him into this crushing hug.

“Will you come home with me?”

Robert pauses for a second and Aaron’s heart thuds. “Of course I’ll come home with ya. I love you so much.”

Aaron’s eyes glimmer. “I love you too.” He says, it’s almost not enough to put into words, what those dreams, those nightmares have managed to unleash in his heart. 

He knows, with a deep certainty that Robert and him are going to be okay. In the end, they’ll be holding hands like they are now as they walk back to their home and they’ll be loving each other.

They’ll be fine because he made the right choice in the end.

He chose Robert, in all his dreams, in all his realities.

They’ll be just fine.

 

 

 

 


End file.
